So angry.
The entry I just posted was from yesterday. I am sitting here after my seminar student teaching class, and I am angry. Maybe it’s from my cooperating teacher (www.blogush.edublogs.org) or maybe it is me finally developing how I want to become as a teacher. I haven’t decided yet, but I know how I want to be when I finally am able to teach my own class. I want to engage the kids. Maybe I don’t have behavior issues severely because I’ve gotten to know my kids. I’ve built that buy in with them. It could be because most of them are white middle class kids from healthy backgrounds, or maybe it’s me. I don’t know yet, but I’m trying as hard as I can possibly try every day.
We had a seminar tonight about bad classroom experiences, kids that are talking in class, not paying attention. I just wanted to scream at these people, YOUR LESSONS ARE BORING, THAT’S WHY THEY ARE TALKING. If the kids are engaged in your lesson for the day, why would they be talking to their neighbors? If you truly sucked them into what you are talking about, unless its time for them to discuss, why would they be talking? I can tell the exact moment when I lose my kids in my lesson. I know the group I’m having the most issues with is because I haven’t found that thing to engage them, and because I know them the least. How can I get around that? By working at it every day, trying new things, not saying the kids are rude and lazy. All kids care about something, so I don’t want to hear one more jaded teacher tell me that their kids just DO NOT CARE. You are full of it. The kids care, you just have them after years of teachers telling them they aren’t going to get it, and they are failures.
Some kid yelled at me the other day, and the first thing I thought was I can’t believe he said that to me. Today I’m thinking, what prompted that response? Why did he talk back? What might be going on at home? Why does he feel the need to not respect me? I’m sitting reflecting and planning my next move. More discipline? We will see how the next day goes. Maybe he just needs a hug and doesn’t know how to ask for it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve as my cooperating teacher likes to remind me, but I think I like it that way. While yes, sometimes it can be overbearing, and can cause more stress than needed, I like to think it makes me a better person. Maybe, just maybe when I get a full time position, I can be the person that shows them that I care. Maybe I’ll be able to get those students who have given up, to care, just a little. That will be my victory.
Reflective teacher? Maybe. Caring teacher? I’m trying so hard it makes me sick. The more you give a student rules, the more they rebel. It’s proven in students and in adults. Maybe the kid just wanted the attention he wasn’t getting at home by talking back to me? I’m thinking about the small battles I’ve won compared to the other student teachers in my class. I’m on my sixth week of student teaching, and they are only on their second. Maybe they will wise up. I hope so.
Teaching is a lonely profession, even though you deal with human being’s all day long. When was the last time teachers got together for Professional Development and were open to criticism? When did they not blame the students for their failed lesson plans? When did they take the time to look at what they are doing right, wrong, and need to try again differently. I’ve been told I was lucky in my student teaching placement, maybe it was fate. Even on bad days like today, I love what I’m doing.
